This past week I tried out a small lifestyle change, which I’m sort of beginning to like. I didn’t go to office at all. Ok, maybe I stepped in once or twice to pick up my mail, bills etc., but I’m proud to say that my visits were sans laptop, files, and briefcase, and didn’t last beyond a few minutes - something I haven’t done in the five-odd years since I graduated from law school.

This isn’t exactly Workaholics Anonymous, but it was fun spending a week doing nothing except eating (lots), sleeping (very little), watching movies (including, regrettably, Bride Wars - don’t judge me on that, folks, it was an offer I couldn’t refuse), and driving around town in my jalopy. Oh, and being interviewed by BBC Radio on how to deal with the heat wave in Delhi. Stay indoors and get laid, say I.

So, except that fact that Delhi’s currently like the inside of a blast furnace, this summer vacation went off rather splendidly. My intended (but poorly planned) trip to Singapore would’ve been the strawberries in the cream, but clearly, a visa and my good looks aren’t enough to get me there, I need dough for tickets, which I seem to be a bit short of at the moment.

And since we’re on the subject of money, I hereby curse clients who volunteer to pay up long-pending legal bills, and then renege at the very last minute. You know who you are, and I hope you remember the consequences of fucking around with a lawyer’s fee.

Also, since we’re on the subject of changing lifestyles, some of you asked me (tacitly and explicitly) in my last post, whether I was getting married. Of course I am! I have no intentions of spending the rest of my life being Cranky Crowley on this blog. I need to bounce this shit off a real person at some point. To quote a close friend (upon being asked why he wasn’t on Facebook) – “Sorry, I have real friends. Don’t need Facebook”. So, yes, I am trotting down the aisle (in my case around the fire), though when that might happen is a moot point (the fact that it will happen, is not).

So, boys and girls, if someone ever gifts you one of these:

DO remember to take off the plastic covering before trying to open the damn can; it opens a LOT easier thataway. Or else you can be total retards like Crowley (giftee) and Firefly (gifter) who tried opening the thing using a hammer and a knife, before the bottom fell out with a soft ‘plop’ and the bottle was sitting pretty in Crowley’s lap. It was all very cute and kitschy, sitting on Firefly’s bedroom floor and laughing over it, but you don’t want this sort of thing popping up on YouTube. Beware.

I was away to Mumbai, but now I’m back. For how long though, I’m not too sure, given recent turns of circumstances and destiny. But fret not I won’t be away again for much longer. Just keep in mind that the secret to a fun time can well lie in little things like Cuba Libres, cheese omelettes, masala chai, and watching Crank and Crank 2 back to back on a humid afternoon.

Reflections on furlough to Mumbai:

1. J. J. Abrams is a class act, Cupcake.

2. Cinema goers in Mumbai are required to stand up and sing the national anthem before the movie starts. The screen displays a large Indian flag during the recital. This is touchingly patriotic, but very, very odd.

3. I’m now able to cook and make myself useful in a domestic environment. This is good news for some, though perhaps not for the cleaning lady.

4. I want a home with thousands of neatly catalogued comic books, every gaming console known to man, and maybe a Dali print or two on the walls.

5. Tea with ginger and black pepper is a fantastic aphrodisiac. Try it sometime.

I’ve finally realised how ridiculous I look air-drumming at the pub.



Screw you, I still love doing it.

Although I’ve put up a few posts earlier on the stupid things people say to me when I’m dj-ing, I’ve never actually made a list. I discovered today that a bunch of bright sparks on Facebook started a whole group on the subject. It’s called ‘Things you should never say to a DJ’. If you’re on Facebook (and I know most of you are), this group’s page is worth a visit. Makes for some great laughs.

Anyhow, this is a list which these guys put up (apologies for pinching it) with some not-so-witty replies cooked up by yours truly:

1. Play something good, something we can dance to!
(How about ‘The Gravedigger’? You ignorant bastards ever heard of Franz Schubert?)

2. Would you play something with a "beat"!
(Wot, wot? Chris Adler hammering away at a gazillion BPM is not a ‘beat’?)

3. I don't know who sings it and I don't know the name of the song
(Pity. How about a kiss then, missus?)

4. Everybody wants to hear this!
(Did you see a board outside that said this was a democracy?)

5. Nobody wants to hear this!
(Well, plug yer ears. That’s what all that parsley on your salad is for)

6. Everybody will dance if you play it!
(Tell you what? If you let me give you an enema with this beer bong, I’ll play it. Deal?)

7. I can get laid if you play it!
(Can we film it? The guy who owns this place wants to branch out into the porn biz)

8. I want to hear it next!
(You’ll have to get your head out of your arse for that, midget)

9. What do you have?
(Two knuckle dusters and a short temper)

10. Hey, nobody can dance to this!
(That’s the general idea)

11. Play it soon because we're leaving!
(Oh, don’t let me detain you (said Vetinari-style))

12. Please play "**********", it’s my birthday
(SILENCE. I KILL YOU!!!!!!)

13. When will you play it?
(Read de leeps, cabrón. Feck off.)

14. My dad/roommate/ex wife/stepson owns the club, please play
(Can you get a signed affidavit on that one? Notarised, too, if you don’t mind?)

15. Can I DJ?
(Can I be the President of the United States?)

16. I’m a DJ also, you should play ***** and mix it with *****
(Damn. Hope you don’t charge for that kind of advice)

17. I'm the owner’s girlfriend and he wants you to play this song...
(HEY ALONSO. DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?)

18. Can you please play it again?
(Can you please go away?)

19. Is it gonna be this music all night?
(Nope. You’re gonna be doing a pole dance after this. With a naked wire.)

20. Can you play song no "**" on the disc "*" of "Random unheard of compilation" CD
(Do I look like your personal CD rack?)

21. Hey! Where can I buy dr**s"?
(Police station. Just around the corner, mate)

22. Can I leave my coat in here?
(It might get eaten, though)

23. Where is the cloakroom/toilets/bar/exit??
(Close your eyes. Turn right. And RUN)

24. Can you make an announcement that it’s my Birthday
(What?! You again?!?! I KEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL YEEWWW)

25. How much should I pay you to play "**********"
(How much should I pay you to shove your head down the toilet?)

(This has actually happened to me. No kidding. 100-buck note stuffed into my shirt pocket)

26. Did you see the girl/boy I came in with ??????
(Oh, so that wasn’t your schnauzer?)

27. Do you have a pen?
(is? Haha. Oh, never mind. Fuck off)

28. Are you the DJ????
(Nope. Undercover cop. Is that a baggie in your pocket?)

29. 'Can I plug my ipod in so you can play MY music'
(Try plugging it in your arse, you won’t need headphones)

30. You Should play (insert name of the current biggest track here) and see how eveybody will dance.
(No. Response. Mind has given up.)

31. Hey! This is a good track! Can I take your cd home???
(Oo. What pretty hair. Can I take your wife home?)

32. Can you play something faster?
(Depends. Can you outrun this cleaver?)

33. Do you have a microphone to shout out my birthday ?
(Right. That’s it. Where’s my chainsaw. You’re shredded wheat, birthday boy)

34. You got any R+B and Hip Hop ? (When playing house) & Vice Versa.
(No. Check the sewage pit out back, though. You might find some homies taking a dip)

35. Can I look thru your music/cds/records
(Sure. 1000 bucks please. Can’t risk the merchandise)

36. Hey, what happens if I pull out this ?
(Oh, not much. I call the bouncer and tell him you were calling his mother names)

37. Can I play with the knobs ?
(MY KNOB? You sick faggot. I KILL YOU)

“I don’t wanna rock, DJ”. Really? Well, I do, so fuck off.

I love an innovative product line.

Needless to say, my kids, if I ever have any, will get the full treatment. I mean, being a Metallibanger is a large part of being a Crowley.