Shalom.

I know, I’ve been unusually silent here for a bit, as well as on the fiction blog (which will be updated very soon, I promise), but I’ve been down with an eye infection and then with a week-long dose of viral fever, and have spent these past 5/6 days catching up with pending work.

Since I have a slight case of antibiotic-induced writer’s block, I’m just going to write about some random stuff I’ve run into over the past few weeks.

Weird cops: Whiskey Bar’s apartment in Lajpat Nagar is a great place for a quiet drink, for her excellent veggie pasta and pesto sauce, and for chats about life, the universe and everything. I usually end up leaving around midnight, and am usually stopped by cops while leaving the locality. The U.P. plates on my car make me a prime suspect (for what exactly, I’ve yet to find out), and I’ve got the whole license- registration papers-pollution certificate routine down to a science. Most of the times my lawyer parking-sticker gets me off the hook. The night I came down with viral, however, I wasn’t so lucky. Pollution certificate couldn’t be found, and the duty cop pounced on a good op to make a quick buck. Normally, I would’ve told him to cut me a ticket, and I’d pay it in court, but I was dying to crawl into bed that night, so I asked him how much he wanted. “Sir, jo aapko uchit lage, dedijiye” (Whatever you feel is adequate). Such was my delirium that I told him I had 350 bucks, and he could have 300 of those, because I needed money to pay the DND toll-booth. He pulled a face and took the 300, but came running back a minute later, held out a 100 note and said “Sir, agar paise kam pad rahein hain to yeh bhi rakh lo” (If you’re running short, keep this 100 bucks).

It’s been a long fucking time since someone left me speechless (after my boss announced he was buying 9 dogs).

Weird movies: Actually, one movie, and not so much weird as entertaining. If you like the Tarantino brand of mayhem, then Shoot ‘Em Up is a good buy. The story and script aren’t a match for Tarantino’s twisted genius, and although it is, in effect, a B-movie, I’d be hard-pressed to rate it so. Clive Owen (protagonist; cynical, SAS-type killing machine), Monica Belucci (Owen’s sidekick, love-interest and a lactating hooker) and Paul Giamatti (Bad Guy; psychotic, hen-pecked hired gun for an arms manufacturer) make up the meat of the cast, and do a neat job of it, considering the storyline has the punch of a geriatric turtle. I’m not into putting up spoiler warnings like Wikipedia, so I won’t give out the plot details, but I will say this – Owen kills people with fresh carrots (while spouting lines like, “What’s up, doc?” and “Carrots are good for your eyes”), and does stuff which makes Rajinikanth saar look like a kid in dirty diapers. The action is brilliant, Belucci is drool-maal, as always (and has finally discovered the secret of effective dialogue delivery – screw English, do it in Italian), and Giamatti does a kick-ass job as the resident psycho-killer. Buy it, steal it, whatever. It’s worth it.

Weird news: Did you know that a prohibition on wearing underwear is a violation of your human rights? The Kerala Human Rights Commission feels so. Apparently, the famous Sabrimala shrine in Kerala doesn’t allow temple staff to wear the bare necessities allegedly for fear that they’d try and sneak out cash and jewelry offered by devotees. This brings disgusting images to mind. And speaking of Sabrimala, for those who’re not aware of this little factoid, if you’re a devotee, then you’re required to not bathe/shave for weeks/months before visiting the temple. You’re also required to wear only black, and supposedly abstain from sex, meat and alcohol. Of course, after weeks of no bathing, I’d be surprised if you’d want to wank yourself off in the first place, much rather someone else.

Three cheers for atheism, I say!

Weird animals: I have 10 dogs in my office. That’s right, ten. Nimpipi has seen and photographed them (and blogged about them), so there’s proof that I’m not bluffing. They’re of various breeds, shapes and sizes…and sexual preferences. The eldest of the lot, a dachshund, is gay. He keeps trying to, er, force himself on the smaller dogs, and would be a perfect candidate for offences under Section 377 of the IPC, were it not for Honey the Rottweiler playing bouncer and peacekeeper.

That’s all for now, folks. I need to get back into the groove and do my wascally wabbit thingie.

24 Scallywags have walked the Plank |:

Perakath said...

The fine for not having the pollution cert is bloody 1000 bucks, even without the old HC-imposed 500-rupee Surtax. Chootiye log. As if those pollution checks mean anything.

I'm just waiting for my TN plates to get me into trouble one night!

And, I know jugaad is unlikely to work there, but is there any way you can get me an HC/SC parking sticker??

mistercrowley said...

Per: Espcially since my old rattletrap doesn't pollute. It'll be impossible to ge SC/HC parkinf stickers now dude....you have to show that you own the car!

D said...

First time here. Enjoyed it.
The traffic cops once asked me to choose the offence for which I'd like to be fined. The options were: a). Jumping the red light, which I hadn't. b). For the car being driven by a driver who did not have a commercial DL, which didn't make any sense because we weren't using the car for commercial purposes and c). For not having the pollution check cert. The cop was so nice, he even suggested I go for the last option, because I'd have to pay the least fine there! But me being me, and me being a lawyer's daughter, niece and sister, decided I wasn't going to pay up for no fault of mine. Bullied the cop, irritated the hell out of him and didn't pay!

... said...

and i thought only my dog was gay!

mistercrowley said...

D: First time? No, luv...you've been here before :) And that was one nice cop you got, heh....

... : Oh, I've seen a few others. Some interesting anecdotes there too

still ink stained said...

you are a noida-wasi? gasp! :)so am I, and snobby dilliwalas often refer to me as the "fake" delhite :p

mistercrowley said...

Inkblot: Yep...been living in noida for the last 17 years. I've not heard a lot of people telling me that i'm a fake dilliwaala. I suppose it's like those clowns in bombay who look at you with disdain if you're not a 'townie', but not half as bad. and, hello, I thougth you were going to come to blues some day? Whatever happened to lawyer solidarity?

mistercrowley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
siropdevanille said...

Hehe.. Weird cops story - heard it before! With a slight twist to it! hehe...

Write more. Bas.

chandni said...

what is with dogs?

I hate them...

And to think u use one as a leg rest...sheesh...my worst nightmare

I scribble here said...

hey that IS wierd news!
though i have heard of a similar cop story

mistercrowley said...

Syrup: Yes madum.

Moonshine: You don't like dogs?! WHY?! They're a joy, I swear.

Scribbler: Another weird story in the naked city ;)

El said...

Viral is a bitch and it's the other day a cop actually called me beta when a tree fell over the car cause of the rain, he was super nice and I just stared at him for a bit, because I was quite sure he'd find a way to chalaan me for making the tree fall.

still ink stained said...

blues didnt happen this noida stint :( one evening at capitol, I realised I was old (yes *old*), but if you promise me there wont be 16 year olds within a 5 km radius, I'll show up when Im next in town!

mistercrowley said...

El: Arre, didn't you know? It's an offence in Pune to be near a fallen tree ;) ?

Inkblot: Promise. No 16 year olds. Only 30-somethings :)

Rassles said...

Best line in Shoot 'Em Up:

Paul Giamatti is blasting bullets at Clive and the baby in the park, and after missing 900 times he gasps, "Fuck me sideways."

References to previous films? Dig it.

D said...

Have I? No wonder things seemed familiar here :P

mistercrowley said...

Rassles: Was it in the park scene? I thought this was when they raid Smith's weirdo apartment...nonetheless, brilliant movie.

D: Yup. On one of my older posts, but you have been here earlier :)

Rassles said...

OOohhhh, maybe you're right. Dammit.

Joe said...

just had to comment on this one dude. being away makes you miss even the cops! you dont know how good we have it made that we can bribe the ones at home. if i tried that shit in here, id be forced to eat my privates in public! and believe me, having paid my share of fines here, desi cops rock. its all bout economic equality - loot the rich and "cash back" options for us regular! sigh!

Lirun said...

10 dogs? thats so normal.. doesnt everyone?

mistercrowley said...

Joe: You said it pal.

Lirun: 10 dogs in your office? Hardly :)

Priyank said...

another one from the twisted taratino.... " Death Proof" :o) cool blog!

Tito Varghese said...

Crowley,
Love ur blog , got to u hopping from joe, just one thing though... the sabarimala guys are supposed to bath every single day.. Everything else is right..