So, I get pulled over on Saturday night by a bunch of smiling, super-polite traffic cops.  Do remember that it was past midnight, and anyone who looks that happy at that time of night, without the aid of alcohol, should be dealt with extreme caution.

Anyway, the cops have set up this virtual campsite (and not just a simple barricade), complete with a large bus/camper-type vehicle, with floodlights on its roof.  One smiling peeler taps my window and asks me where I’m coming from. “Dinner”, say I, matching his silly grin. “Really? Then you must have had a drink, sir.”  “Um, yes”, I reply, “but that was a couple of hours ago, and it was only one drink!”

“But sir, you’ve had alcohol, no? Don’t deny it, that’s a nice man. It's quite alright, a drink or two. After all, if you stop drinking, our wine stores will have to shut down. All that lost license fees to the government. Tsk Tsk."

So I sighed, parked my car on the shoulder and stood in line for the breathalyzer test.  I had to wait a bit, because there were at least 10 chaps before me, and only 3 machines.  Finally, I see a free machine and jump the queue.  “Now, sir. Blow hard into this pipe here”.  So I blow, and hope nobody’s taking pictures, because it looks kinda obscene.

And wait.

The machine readout states, “Processing – Please Wait”. Ok, so I’m waiting already, get on with it. The readout stays stuck for another 5 minutes, and the cop’s scratching his head. “It’s probably not working properly”, says he, and resets the machine.  I do the blow thing again, with the same result. Now the cop’s really flummoxed.  So, he calls for a second machine. Same result.

Same problem with the THIRD machine! I now have seven coppers in a circle around me, chuckling and scratching their heads at the same time.  The machines were working fine till now. What the fuck went wrong?

I do the test once more. “Just once more, Sir. For our peace of mind”.  No prizes for guessing what the readout said.  The cops gave up and asked me to leave, and thankyouverymuch for ruining their precious machines, hmph.

This proves that Crowley is a certified alien, or maybe a vampire or something. He can kill high-precision circuitry with a single breath.

Or maybe he needs industrial strength mouthwash. Hmm.

19 Scallywags have walked the Plank |:

Joe said...

lol, can i please ask you to recall what it is that you had for dinner? I could use some of that.. there's gotta be a good scientific explanation for it! Hocus pocus and alien mucus aside, there's gotta be something all of us can take from this!

Spill already!

Mister Crowley said...

Joe: To tell the truth. I didn't have any dinner that night. Just several glasses of water after that one drink.

I'm weird, dude.

chandni said...

har har har!

the coolest stuff happens to you.

Why have I never seen one of them machines??

I am feeling left out.

The best we've gotten late night is, "sab badhiay Sir?"

Joe said...

you disappoint me mah man! thot between us, we cud patent whatever it was. imagine the oodles of noodles we cud buy with the money we'd have made!

you've forever destroyed my faith in drunken lawyers.

(any chance the water had something to do with it??)

and why's your word verifier askin me to fill "kkkmax"?? blogspot's going racist too!! can we sue?

purely-narcotic said...

This proves that Crowley is a certified alien, or maybe a vampire or something. He can kill high-precision circuitry with a single breath.

Or maybe you just have bad breath ;)

Aside: Certified alien, Scientology here we come. Vampire dearest, our Transylvanian sympathies found profound ground...'The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion.'

Mister Crowley said...

Chandu Chachi: Mere saath hi ho sakta hai, yaar.

Joe: Could be the water. And it ain't blogger that's racist, pal. It's me, muahahhahhaa

Narco: A new religion? Sure thing, babe. I need a new High Priestess. Got your wimple ready?

D said...

Lol! How did you manage that?! Did the machine get to know it's a lawyer on the other side?!

Rassles said...

Sometimes we bring pocket breathalyzers to the bars and take turns after every shot and see who gets fucked up fastest. And we usually break that breathalyzer, and have to go buy a new one, which we will inevitably break.

Perakath said...

I could use a pocket breathalyser!

Public interest dictates you tell us where this happened. Not on the Def Col - North Campus route, I hope.

Thanatos said...

Well, at least no one can accuse you of being good at blowing.

*tosses mints*

Mukta said...

hmm...lawyer breath? there's a lot of stuff about advocates that definitely flummoxes the police. We'll add breathalyzer performance to the list.

:-)

Mister Crowley said...

D: Did the machine know? Quite possibly. Ghost in the machine, perhaps.

Raz: Ha. You nutter, you...

Perakath: Not Def Col, da....Janpath. The left turn after Blues.

Thanatos: I blow a sigh of relief :P

Mukta: Hahaha. That long, long list...

joe said...

As a barman, let me leave you a tip: Safest drink to gulp and drive? Absinthe.

Why? Mostly cause you wont remember the drive, the cops or the tests. If you haven't crashed and died already, that is.

Mister Crowley said...

Joe: Whiskey will agree ;)

purely-narcotic said...

@Joe: And for all those green fairies flitting about, I'm sure the Pirate will enjoy the ride in the High seas

siropdevanille said...

Wow, you are scary. SCARY.

Mister Crowley said...

Syrup: I know :D Why d'you think I got such a fan following? :P

Irishcream said...

Gee. No breathalyzers here. But ample cop harassment. Surely the good alien could knock some cops dead for us? Chennai drunks will be mother thrilled.

Mister Crowley said...

Irish: Sorry, luv...I only knock out machines, not cops ;)