Although I’ve put up a few posts earlier on the stupid things people say to me when I’m dj-ing, I’ve never actually made a list. I discovered today that a bunch of bright sparks on Facebook started a whole group on the subject. It’s called ‘Things you should never say to a DJ’. If you’re on Facebook (and I know most of you are), this group’s page is worth a visit. Makes for some great laughs.

Anyhow, this is a list which these guys put up (apologies for pinching it) with some not-so-witty replies cooked up by yours truly:

1. Play something good, something we can dance to!
(How about ‘The Gravedigger’? You ignorant bastards ever heard of Franz Schubert?)

2. Would you play something with a "beat"!
(Wot, wot? Chris Adler hammering away at a gazillion BPM is not a ‘beat’?)

3. I don't know who sings it and I don't know the name of the song
(Pity. How about a kiss then, missus?)

4. Everybody wants to hear this!
(Did you see a board outside that said this was a democracy?)

5. Nobody wants to hear this!
(Well, plug yer ears. That’s what all that parsley on your salad is for)

6. Everybody will dance if you play it!
(Tell you what? If you let me give you an enema with this beer bong, I’ll play it. Deal?)

7. I can get laid if you play it!
(Can we film it? The guy who owns this place wants to branch out into the porn biz)

8. I want to hear it next!
(You’ll have to get your head out of your arse for that, midget)

9. What do you have?
(Two knuckle dusters and a short temper)

10. Hey, nobody can dance to this!
(That’s the general idea)

11. Play it soon because we're leaving!
(Oh, don’t let me detain you (said Vetinari-style))

12. Please play "**********", it’s my birthday
(SILENCE. I KILL YOU!!!!!!)

13. When will you play it?
(Read de leeps, cabrón. Feck off.)

14. My dad/roommate/ex wife/stepson owns the club, please play
(Can you get a signed affidavit on that one? Notarised, too, if you don’t mind?)

15. Can I DJ?
(Can I be the President of the United States?)

16. I’m a DJ also, you should play ***** and mix it with *****
(Damn. Hope you don’t charge for that kind of advice)

17. I'm the owner’s girlfriend and he wants you to play this song...
(HEY ALONSO. DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?)

18. Can you please play it again?
(Can you please go away?)

19. Is it gonna be this music all night?
(Nope. You’re gonna be doing a pole dance after this. With a naked wire.)

20. Can you play song no "**" on the disc "*" of "Random unheard of compilation" CD
(Do I look like your personal CD rack?)

21. Hey! Where can I buy dr**s"?
(Police station. Just around the corner, mate)

22. Can I leave my coat in here?
(It might get eaten, though)

23. Where is the cloakroom/toilets/bar/exit??
(Close your eyes. Turn right. And RUN)

24. Can you make an announcement that it’s my Birthday
(What?! You again?!?! I KEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL YEEWWW)

25. How much should I pay you to play "**********"
(How much should I pay you to shove your head down the toilet?)
(This has actually happened to me. No kidding. 100-buck note stuffed into my shirt pocket)

26. Did you see the girl/boy I came in with ??????
(Oh, so that wasn’t your schnauzer?)

27. Do you have a pen?
(is? Haha. Oh, never mind. Fuck off)

28. Are you the DJ????
(Nope. Undercover cop. Is that a baggie in your pocket?)

29. 'Can I plug my ipod in so you can play MY music'
(Try plugging it in your arse, you won’t need headphones)

30. You Should play (insert name of the current biggest track here) and see how eveybody will dance.
(No. Response. Mind has given up.)

31. Hey! This is a good track! Can I take your cd home???
(Oo. What pretty hair. Can I take your wife home?)

32. Can you play something faster?
(Depends. Can you outrun this cleaver?)

33. Do you have a microphone to shout out my birthday ?
(Right. That’s it. Where’s my chainsaw. You’re shredded wheat, birthday boy)

34. You got any R+B and Hip Hop ? (When playing house) & Vice Versa.
(No. Check the sewage pit out back, though. You might find some homies taking a dip)

35. Can I look thru your music/cds/records
(Sure. 1000 bucks please. Can’t risk the merchandise)

36. Hey, what happens if I pull out this ?
(Oh, not much. I call the bouncer and tell him you were calling his mother names)

37. Can I play with the knobs ?
(MY KNOB? You sick faggot. I KILL YOU)

“I don’t wanna rock, DJ”. Really? Well, I do, so fuck off.

11 Scallywags have walked the Plank |:

Rassles said...

As someone who is not a DJ, but highly involved with the local peeons of the music industry, there's nothing worse than some dumb bitch telling you how to do your job.

psst: I'm going to start asking people if they "can outrun this cleaver."

D said...

I have DJ friends who say the exact same thing but I wonder if a DJ should be playing at a party for himself or for the crowd?

Mister Crowley said...

Rass: You and me BOTH :D

D: I agree with you completely. Though I feel I should've mentioned the context of this post. I DJ at a pub which is known for playing rock/metal all the time (except perhaps on a Friday night). Most of the people which frequent the place are rock lovers. But you always have a group of whiny 20-yr olds who kill the mood with this nonsense I wrote about.

hereinfranklin said...

Two words you'd hear in the Southern states of the U.S.: Free bird!!!!!!!!!!!!

the snake said...

Where dost thou DJ?

Mister Crowley said...

Franklin: You'd hear them here too, mate.

Snake: Blues, in CP. Though, I must warn you, I don't play very often these days. Usually on thursdays, and maybe a monday. Plus, it's rather pointless going there for music till the IPL is over. They start screening from 4 and go till midnight.

the snake said...

Aha, been there..I like the fact that they play it out LOUD. I'll look for you the next time I'm there, yes?

Sirop said...

I asked for 'Home' once... I really really wanted to hear it... and the DJ looked really shocked and then smiled and then asked me for other requests, if any.

Then there was that loop, that riff, and 'Shiiiinnneeee' :D

Mister Crowley said...

Sirop: Make a fiiiiiirrreeeee

Angel said...

Some of those were hilarious.
So do DJs really just want to be left alone to do their jobs, or should just not talk to them about what they're doing, no suggestions, requests, etc? I miss the club scene sometimes. I've known some really cool DJs!

lostonthestreet said...

Whew!! The DJs I have met are rarely this funny.Maybe the scowl is because they are thinking those funny replies- and come back and blog about it.
Seriously funny this one.