".....commencing countdown; engine's on...checking ignition, and may God's love be with you" drones David Bowie in my ears, a few thousand feet above Bombay, as I recline my red and cream airline seat (20F), close my eyes, and let off a sigh of relief after 3 days of running around said city (interpolating one wacko birthday bash, one wedding reception, several trips in and around Bandra, one bone-jarring haul to Thane and back, and another equally excruciating one to Matunga to discover the 'Voice of God'), when, suddenly, I realise I can't hear Major Tom's reply to Ground Control in my left ear.

For a few hazy seconds I thought my tinnitus was back, till I noticed that my left earphone was missing. Did it fall off? I look to my left and see the fellow in 20E (I'll call him EnthuCutlet or 'EC'...never really bothered asking him his name; you'll soon see why) holding the missing earphone and shooting me the most pained rictus since, oh, Adolf Hitler, Esq., was politely told to "fark orf, wanker" ("Sniff. I might burn ein Jew or two, but I'm only human"*)**. What followed was EC Conversation # 1:

Crowley: Oh. Thanks for picking up my earphone. Did it fall off?
EC: No. Took off.
Crowley: Um. Yes. I know we've taken off. On time too, for a change.
EC: No. I took it off.
Crowley: Er, why?
EC: I did not get one. How you have one and I don't?
Crowley: Huh? Er. Well. This pair belongs to me, see? (I hold up discman to which said earphones are attached).
EC: But HE also has earset (pointing vigorously to the chap in 20D)!!!! Why I not have?
Crowley: Why you not, er, why don't you have one? I don't know man, ask the stewardess for one. I thought I saw her come around with a tray full of them (those ugly red Kingfisher ones).
EC: No no. I don't want to buy them. But how I'm supposed to only see TV without hearing anything?
Crowley: ???? (at this point the guy in 20D, who's been listening in, gives me a sympathetic look, which says "Better you than me, pal")
Crowley: Uh. Ok. See, you can take my headphones (the ugly KF ones, not my kutti Sony ones) if you like. I don't think I'll be watching the "TV" on this flight.
EC: Hmph! Thengooverymuch.
Crowley: No probs. Enjoy.

And back I went to my snooze and a critical appreciation of the wonderful words of 'Walk With Me In Hell' (Lamb of God chasing away Bowie from the murky electronic depths of my discman). But all good things are woefully short-lived. Ten minutes later, a tap on my left shoulder. EC's back!!!

EC: Don't you think?
Crowley: Wrkmf?!! ("This is a m*****f****** invitation! The only one you could ever need...")
EC: Don't you think, that in any Indian Airline, there are no comforting seats?
Crowley: Huh? This is Kingfisher. Whut? ("A blind preacher for the pin-eyed congregation. It must be easy to lose")
EC: I means. I am about 5'4" tall. Which means I am below average person below belt (I think he meant 'below average height'. I don't want to speculate on the 'below belt' bit). And if person like myself is not finding comfort in this seat, then I am wondering what big person like you are going through. I am wondering what is the future of this airlines.
Crowley: I'm quite comfortable, thank you ("So close your eyes once more, and once more believe that they all still believe in you"). BUT, maybe you could try reclining your seat. All you do is press that little silver button (points out said silver button).
EC: Oh. Acha. Yeh to maine socha hi nahin tha!

(At this point, EC rammed his finger on the seat reclining button, and also rammed his backside into the seat-back. Physics took over, I regret to say, much to the detriment of the portly gentleman in 21E who, I can safely wager, is now sporting a large bruise on his crotch. The minute I heard a loud "ARGH" from the rear, I turned up the volume, buried my head in a pillow I'd mooched off the stewardess, and wondered why I land up with these twits on flights.)

("This is a m*****f****** invitation! You try me...")

And HOW!!!!!

* This particular line is from Spike Milligan's 'Milligan's War'. I tried googling the whole sentence (a parody on Hitler) but to no avail. But I'm pretty damn sure it's from that book. Feel free to correct me.

** Before anybody starts accusing me of racism or suchlike. I DO NOT believe in the Final Solution as the answer to a racial problem (or as an answer to any problem, for that matter. Though I strongly believe there are certain air travellers who could and should be put through the ovens). This little reference to Hitler is in jest, and jest alone. No offence meant to any community(ies).

22 Scallywags have walked the Plank |:

rohmen said...

Oh boy, Kingfisher rocks! You could have a guy wanking off next to you and you still wouldn't care since you'd be wondering about the beauty of the air-hostesses and the service in the plane.

Nice read.

Disclaimer: My dad does not own Kingfisher.

mistercrowley said...

Heh...I gotta agree with you pal...KF is slowly becoming my favourite airline....

Anonymous said...

You seem to have a superiority complex and almost all your posts reek of that...Get REAL

mistercrowley said...

@ anon:
Yeah. I know. Lovely, innit? :D
And, anyway, who wants reality? It's boring :P

Anonymous said...

that was a super quick response....

mistercrowley said...

@ anon: I'm wondering if it was worth responding :P

Anonymous said...

there you go again.....And what's with the UK slang?

mistercrowley said...

@ anon:
I like UK slang.
I also like chainsaws

Anonymous said...

Wannabe

mistercrowley said...

@ Anon:
Already am, luv ;) No questions of being a 'wannbe'

Mechanical said...

Hate comments can be fun! Especially for those with a superiority complex. Wonder when the anons will get that it only strokes the ego.

Anyway, I empathize. But flying KF with morons is definitely better than flying Deccan and getting groped. Bastards are so innovative, I cant even count the ways.

mistercrowley said...

@ MechanicalAnimal:
Groped?! Wow. Ok, that's a first.

Abhinav said...

LOL that was funny. There are jokers everywhere. My neighbor was helping me clear the driveway (after the snow). He started my car and pressed on the accelerator, but it didn’t move! I had to explain to him that he needed to put it in reverse to go backwards and drive to go forwards.

It’s Ok because he’s a transplant from the Kentucky hills and has just learned how to wear shoes. He still talks a bit funny and thinks that shine is something you drink – not what you do to your shoes. ;) - Abhi

Mechanical said...

I like 'MechanicalAnimal' :)

mistercrowley said...

@ Abhinav: Hillbillies are a HUGe trip..hehe...I'd love to hayve woun as a naybah ;)

@ MechanicalAnimal: A lifetime of tripping to Marilyn Manson..that's the secret :)

Perakath said...

Oh come on, the occasional playing of Take Away My Pain doesn't make it great music at Blues :)

Wait a minute... you're not the DJ there, are you?

And may I wager you're from NLS?

mistercrowley said...

@ Perakath: Take Away My Pain is when the house DJ's playing.

I spin too..but only every now and then...and I play stuff other than TAMP. Stop by tonight or tomorrow night.

Not NLS....a little further to the East, my boy.

Perakath said...

Haha are you serious? I have an exam on Friday so can't make it, but will try in 2008 sometime. Do you get a discount if you vaguely know the DJ? At least extended Happy Hours? :)

mistercrowley said...

Discount? The DJ doesn't get a discount, what're you talking about ;)

Perakath said...

Sorry for off-topic qn, but I just read your Systematic Chaos review on RiffCafe, and you mention posting on the RSJ Forums... can I ask your nickname? I was on the forums for a while, until they switched to the new crappy one on the even crappier rsjonline.com website...

Perakath said...

If it's mistercrowley there too I'm gonna feel a little stupid :)

mistercrowley said...

@ perakath: i think it was mistercrowley only....don't quite remember...it's been more than a year since I posted there