Dickhead: Hey, duuuuuuuuude, how’s it going man?

Crowley: Hello, Dickhead. Nothing much. The usual.

Dickhead: So, who’re you doing these days, man?

Crowley: Nobody at the moment. Why do bother asking?

Dickhead: You’re such a loser, yaar. How come you don’t ever get laid?

Crowley: Look, Dickhead, if I wanted to plumb the insides of every manhole, like you do, I’d call on the public works department, not on my dick.

Dickhead: You need finesse, buddy. Think flowers.

Crowley: Flowers? What’s that got to do with anything?

Dickhead: You give a woman flowers, you get laid. Simple.

Obviously some people, like my friend Dickhead, haven’t experienced the modalities, and tribulations arising thereof, of attracting women with flowers. Or maybe these people are just plain lucky when it comes to pistillaceous offerings.

Despite the fact that Crowley likes giving out flowers on certain days to certain persons, Crowley + flowers + women can be a recipe for disaster. I’ve only given women flowers thrice (women I was trying to date i.e.). Well, ok, twice. The third and most recent attempt didn’t quite fructify.

The first attempt bombed, because the lady in question smelt the bunch of white and yellow lilies I got her, and promptly went and threw up. Yes, she did stuff the flowers in a vase on the way to the bog, so I suppose that counts in my favour.

The second attempt ended up in being odd and uncomfortable-like. I ordered for 10 yellow roses to be sent to mon objet du desir on Valentine’s Day (yes, alright, it was also my birthday and was in a celebratory mood for once). The flower company fucked up and delivered 12 red roses. Naturally, the red-rose intent was always there, but to throw it in somebody’s face on Valentines Day was, perhaps, a little premature. My petition, subsequently, was summarily dismissed, with costs to the counsel for defense.

Today was my third attempt. Flowers for the girlfriend, who sits pretty in rather a far off city. Three hours after placing the order, the swank overseas flower vendor emails me and states that their server is experiencing technical problems, and that they can’t process my credit card payment. Clearly, American online entrepreneurship is no better than the Indian sort.

And, er, yes. I’m not single any longer. So, all stalker-type women please take note. Don’t leave suggestive comments on this blog, and refrain from sending me emails of a similar nature. Said girlfriend is an ace hacker. She sometimes forgoes her double-edged battle axe for avant garde Trojan Horses.

37 Scallywags have walked the Plank |:

Rassles said...

Nice, Crow.

Anonymous said...

Oh yay, congrats and all that sort of thing.. Details to be reported to Murphys Muse via msging/calling/mailing please.. Almost fainting of curiosity I am..

You know who said...

oooh la la, mon objet du desir!

Being clubbed into the same post as that desirous 'object' might have worse repercussions than just 'clubbed to death'. Just telling you, y'know.

purely-narcotic said...

You got your flowers + birds and bees lessons all wrong. Tch, tch.

Irishcream said...

Oh my! Who wll brk d nws 2 Pri? :D

Nimpipi said...

oui, changed template! all still black and grey though. sigh. when will you learn. actually if you're talking flowers, maybe some daisies in the masthead would perk things up.
"pistillaceous offerings", as you call them.

Joe said...

The celebratory champagne be put on hold. I hear Pri tried to jump off a bridge.

Or perhaps, that's perfect reason to open it after all.

What say, Captain Crow?

D said...

Ah, you had to build up all that drama to tell us you're taken!

Nice, though :)

Mister Crowley said...

Raz: Danke ;)

Muse: Yes, indeed. It's been a while since we last spoke, anyway :)

You Know: Really now? ;) Sounds lilke fun :P

Narco: I may have got that lesson wrong....but this early bird still got the worm ;)

Irish: Search me....are you volunteering. Oh, hang on, I think she tried jumping off a bridge. Rats, I wish there were a camera in the house :P

Nimpipi: Crowley's woods are lovely, dark and deep...etcetra...

Joe: Bring on the Kristal, I say ;)

D: The rise before the fall, and all that ;)

Thanatos said...

So. Tough luck with flowers? Next time, order a blender through amazon and ship it to her. Will give you plenty of time and space to handle your female stalkers =)

Mukta said...

:-)

but on the whole, i think dickhead still has a point. he he!

Mister Crowley said...

Thanatos: I asked. She wants a chainsaw. Amazon doesn't stalk, er, stock any :P Life's a bitch, heh.

Mukta: Dickhead has many 'points'. Unfortunately, spending more than half an hour with him might increase your disgust for the male animal...exponentially. Such friends I have, tch.

Anonymous said...

I know, I know....

:D
The piranha knows all, pirate :D

This piranha hangs up her teeth!
( just for the pirate that is ;) the other creatures of the sea.. you know where in the blogosphere to find me.. i might just drop by to sink my teeth in ;) )

I digress, maybe your lady love and me could exchange hacking tips :P or have we already? :P

( I am not Pri)

A dit, A dot ;)

Bluestreak said...

Am I the only woman that doesn´t get excited about flowers?

Mister Crowley said...

A dit: dit, dot....morse code?

Bluestreak: Possibly, quite possibly :)

purely-narcotic said...

What flowers were you planning to send the girlfriend, anyway?

Qyoorius, You know.

Mister Crowley said...

Narco: White and purple orchids ;)

purely-narcotic said...

Next time stick to red roses. For once,they might actually serve the purpose

dotsditty said...

More like morose code!

A dit, A dot

Irishcream said...

White and purple orchids. My gaaad. I smell my ex-husband.

Mister Crowley said...

Narco: Roses are passe, my dear ;)

Ditz: Morse, morose, morass...who cares, PRi-ty blond still can't communicate :P

Irish: I assure you, madam, I am npt your ex-husband.

Irishcream said...

Hallelujah. It was expensive enough getting rid of him.

Mister Crowley said...

Irish: It could've been worse. I could've been your lawyer (or his for that matter) ;)

Irishcream said...

While we're on that, what's the going rate for mutual consent?

Mister Crowley said...

Irish: You want an honest answer? I have no idea. I do corporate, commercial, entertainment, and a wee bit of tax law....have never touched a divorce file, and don't really want to either :) But I can give limited-type free advice, if you'd like :)

purely-narcotic said...

@IrishCream: Better purple and white orchids than no flowers at all, yes? :D

Irishcream said...

Narco: Is this a dig at Crowley on his failed attempt to send 'the girlfriend' flowers, or a dig at me?!:D And yes yes I concur.

dotsditty said...

@ crowley : you think I am pri-ty? :|
I am no vowel eater! hmpf!

You still don't know who I am?
Our paths have crossed before :P


A dit, a dot

Mister Crowley said...

Dotty: If it makes you feel any better, the blond being referred to here is the Pri-ty McCoy :P

Our paths have crossed before? Really? We've exchanged frozen words before, have we?

dotsditty said...

@ crowley : My bad, things look different, early in the morning! Just re-read it now :|

Keep guessing :P

Joe said...

i thought the stalker taps had run dry?

Mister Crowley said...

Joe: It would appear not :P

dotsditty said...

I am no stalker! I am something the drugs dragged in :P

Joe said...

why the guilty conscience dotty? i was asking on behalf of the municipal corporation.. cant bill lawyers for closed service and all that y'know? they'll massacre us for it..

Mister Crowley said...

Joe: Thanks :P

Ribbed and Dotted: You? Stalker? Sez who? :P

Angel said...

I was totally prepared to become a stalker babe, but I've promised you not to do that, so I guess I'll just behave in my obsessions? I do not want the wrath of a mad girlfriend brought down upon me!

Purely Narcotic said...

*cough cough*
Initially, the girlfriend was sitting pretty and you were all gung-ho about her avant garde horse riding/sword wielding skills and now that she's being called 'mad' by random women who are as angelic in their writing as they seem diabolical in their intentions, you're just sitting there chewing chocopies and getting them in your teeth? Hmpf. Wait till the girlfriend finds out!